here
I get
called back to it all the time.
I recall it every day.
I have to recall everything or else
I'm in trouble if I just recall some of
the stuff. I'm in trouble.
You know what like even now like thinking about it. It's pretty
it's just exciting to have a full pipe Crystal
like it was just like mmm. There's that
all this stuff like waiting for me to do. The thing
was is I just didn't know when to stop like I would just keep doing it until my
brain was just like fried like I'd literally like
load my pipe and set it
aside. Like I was already to get high, you know again and
I would forget that it was there and like three
hours later. I'd look over and and there it was untouched and
I'd be like, oh s***. I could have been high, you know.
That was already higher than you know.
On a consistent basis. I've been
using it for a year for seven years for two and a half years three
and a half 15 36 to eight years one three years now.
The last time I used was April of last year.
It's been one year. It's been a year four years a few days ago.
five minutes ago
I remember the first moment. I did Matt really clearly.
Like a lot of people I just started snorting it because I
thought it was like Coke.
We were at this sort of aft Sunday afternoon
hoedown. I had been working at a nightclub called Ground Zero
first. I started snorting it snorting snorted a
snorting snorting started it it's in the fall. I remember
it was cold. It's about 2:30 in the morning. I'm about
90 sheets to the wind just do a little bit. It'll carry
you through the night went down Country Road.
And turn the dome lights on we left the party
went around the corner behind a wooden fence. Actually.
I thought it was cold. The first time my first
reaction was Jesus Christ, you know because he
just burnt and hurt really really bad. I thought I was gonna
cry and I'm like what those with this coat. He said
it's not Coke, it's Tina and I'm like, well, what's with Tina's code?
And then I started smoking. It smells about
smoking. I smoked it. I smoked
a lot.
smoke
lemonade Dickman
limp and I thought this is fun that I
quickly started shooting it. I slammed it Slammer.
And it's like give me your arm and showed me exactly how
to do it.
And I
could
feel my pupils just go.
Everything became clear. There's like 20 sparklers were
going off in my head all at once instant on top
of the world who I like this.
I could really get to like this. I was
f****** married.
Just booty bombs. Did Regular bumps booty
bumped it hot rail. We would do hot rails which would
just f****** up. I ate it mixed it
with Crisco put it in coffee, whatever took
it's kind of like spam. It tastes different in every
corner.
There was nothing else that I've ever done that ever
charged me up.
Like Crystal nothing. I found Invincible.
I felt super attractive. I felt magnetic
and he proceeded to warn me that my
libido was going to be kicked into overdrive the first
thing he did he took my hand and he just went
and that was an instant connection. Sexually. Yeah,
it was it was unleashing the cage Beast.
I think the sex is supposed to
it triggered so much stuff in me the confidence and
the ego and that's what was so
attractive about it because I was able to shed all of that anxiety. You
were alive you were you were neon you
were nuclear. I was the person that I knew I always
could be
The first thing that really jumped out at me.
Was whatever unwanted way you're carrying suddenly
disappears, but we used to recall the Tina diet
a grapefruit for breakfast a salad for lunch in a
sensible bump for dinner lo and behold, you know, I was suddenly down
to 154 points or pounds Freudian slip
there.
The high was so good.
that
the pain that I was feeling because of Disconnect from my family.
From disconnect from society from not knowing where
I fit.
It allowed me to escape from it. Something told
me that I don't know why I didn't think was
gonna have a problem with it.
And for all the long period the first six months that
I was using it, I had it under control.
So once that door was open it blew up the hinges it
was no door because once you hand control over to Tina,
she's got steering wheel. You ain't gonna drive.
Just no way.
My name is Andrew McGregor. I am 33 years old.
I'm in Phoenix, Arizona and I am a entrepreneur
slash drug dealer.
very busy
Hello. Um, this is it's
cracked. Well, we talk cracker here. This is
a joke because it's a sympathetic that we call crack.
Um, it's class it's math.
it's
just dope it's money. It's
it's trouble for devil.
basically
why just me yeah, um
because it's an Escape I
mean
You really just can block out everything with it.
I mean I can block out anything but you get high and you think about
getting later whatever or think about.
Whatever else you're doing, you can focus on something else and completely forget about
the real world. What's going on?
And and the point where I don't even get I
can't even get like that on crack anymore on s*** anymore. It doesn't
have like that for me. I can't get that high where I can forget about s***. I
still think about seven and annoys me because I'm high and I'm irritated because it's still
thinking about you. I don't but I don't specifically see one thing that
I'm avoid. I don't have any giant skeletons in my closet that I'm
escaping from. It's not like that.
Like it should ask me this stuff like before.
Before I started using stuff it wouldn't would you be willing to do was lose
your house and you BMW and you and your dog
and and all these things that I lost which if they
asked me that beforehand I'd be like, you're f****** crazy. There's no way now no way
in hell.
You think I get pissed off the s*** enough to say, you know, f*** it. That's it. I'm over and done
with that.
But it just has a way of continuing to lower you back in for some reason
and I don't know why but just does.
three f*** that
up
full
Norman
don't
see it.
And I'll see you in a few minutes here.
I probably missed shut up.
I'm gonna do your normal routine falling down
the rest of the drama goes along with it.
Yeah, he was an act. There we go.
Yeah creeper. Yeah.
I don't know what my
what I'm running from so fast, I don't know what it is.
but
obviously something I mean there's something there, you know.
exciting up
I was your average disaffected game. I
had self-esteem issues.
Growing up in a very middle class environment. I always thought that
if I
made something of myself and had lots of money and the material
toys and possessions. It was going to suddenly validate me.
Ironically, it was 10 years ago this year that I got the you know,
it was her first year at a six-figure job got the
BMW.
Met the guy I was involved with
for four and a half years.
Never Enough nothing was ever going to be enough. I
wasn't good enough. I wasn't smart enough. I didn't do well
in school enough. I you know,
there was always someone bigger better faster more better
and you know until I
could have my 15 Minutes
of Fame in the sun. I wasn't going to
be anybody.
or so I thought
give your love.
I was a DJ when when circuit parties
weren't called circuit parties when parties were
made to raise money for
AIDS. Remember when that was the concept.
Remember, it's San Francisco in the early 90s.
People can't go to the bath houses anymore, but people are looking for a
way that they can rock out and strut their stuff and there
was something new that was emerging the circuit
scene.
We wanted our sexuality back and oh boy.
We got it back.
We got it back to prevention and in that
environment crystal meth was allowed
to kind of Blossom.
The fear of not fitting in was gone.
The fear of not being hot enough was gone.
I was suddenly playing with a-listers doing a
listing things going to Circuit parties.
Came with the cool kids.
Initially, I think people went to
the Circuit scene because it brought them together and there was
this feeling of togetherness and openness in you you went
out and you danced with your shirt off. You got to be sure yourself. You
got to be confident. You know what I mean? I would have never
ever ever stepped foot in anything like
that.
Without Crystal it's a blast.
I had a couple of years where I was hitting all the parties.
Lots of steroids lots of going to the gym lots of
eating a lot because you
had to put on those five or ten pounds that you were going
to wear off when you started binging doing pistol. You
wanted to look good while you were doing your crack.
couple of bumps and head of x
And water all night, you'd see people that had
a drink in their hand and you're automatically like, oh a drinker,
you know, what a mess. Like you
didn't want anything to do with the Drinker because they were just gonna like, you know,
if you got home with them they were just gonna like pass out on you or
something. Anyway, they couldn't keep going like we could and it was
like at that point people that were doing X where I must look down on it
was like, oh they're doing X like, you know, it was
just really stupid. It was like, you know, if you weren't doing Crystal
you weren't in the know you weren't
the relationships at these events are episodic.
You know, you you spend three days and you
go to the first night and the first event and you meet people from
another place and they're really hot and hopefully
by the third night you'll get to have sex with them. But until then you Bond
and and the greatest friends you've
ever met and you don't even know where they're from half
the time, but you're sleeping with their boyfriends.
Fantastic, there were enough fun times to make
me think it was okay, you know that I was that was maintaining
that I was doing fine and and made me
feel I had arrived. I remember hotlanta
one of the circus parties dancing on
a box.
That's kind of box and thinking to myself I am
I'm it just it it's
in a box a hotlanta.
You know and I've got my crystal going in the highest just
right and being you know,
it's just the smoke and the dancing and the yeah.
Crystal's always the base
Always the base and then you just accessorize like
a pair of pearls or something, you know, yeah a
little bit of G in there maybe a little bit of
x to see, you know, but you always get
a good solid base with your speed. The GHB is
a huge just a humongous problem, especially for
the light weights. Those are always you always near the
kids that we're just Weekend Warriors or you see
him dropping left and right. Yeah. Yeah, you
know, I was standing in the middle of dance floor and I didn't
wear any underwear that night and I just remember the next thing my pants
were down in my ankles and my friends were like trying to pull my pants back
up. I had basically blacked out and I was just like taking my
clothes off and Roll the dance floor. I've actually been circuit parties
where they actually had like stations set
up at the party for G overdoses.
Okay, what I've watched
him carry people out on stretchers dead.
You know and the party goes on don't fall out on my on
my space to dance God. No, but if you do, I'm gonna
check your pockets.
You know what? I mean? It's just it's so it's so twisted.
It was a lot of fun, but I think even at that point it was
you know, I wasn't making friends. I wasn't making real
connections. I was about going out.
Dancing strutting around looking good and
getting laid, it'll take you down so fast that thing
will take you down so fast and you know, and here's the sick part
about it. All here's the sick part. I miss it.
I miss it our culture tells us.
You know you can be hot.
You know, we'll do a queer makeover on you and you're going to be hot.
And you're gonna have the body and you can be HIV positive
and be hot.
And you can be on crystal.
And still have time to do your steroids and be hot.
and
you know, I need to be a little less hot and a
little more and I got my wish and
a little more, you know
focused and you know
sane.
Who wouldn't want to be rich fabulous young and
High, I mean that seems to be all we
know as a culture how to how to crave and
how to sell back.
You know show me a happy
well-adjusted middle age homosexual and I'll show you no one
that gets any media coverage in outer advocate.
You know, they just it's either dead or they
don't exist.
I don't buy the fact that only hot people
do crystal or that it's somehow some
sort of byproduct of going to
the gym Crystal welcomes gay men evolves shapes
and sizes and and God knows
I've been at sex parties with them and and didn't
bother me a bit. So there are
lots of routes.
To Crystal Meth there's lots of them and the
dance floor is only one of them.
Being online just meeting a guy at a bar. I know
plenty of guys that I was very involved very
heavily very heavy drug users who have never been to a circuit
party.
That that's just not the route that they took.
Lesson one about Crystal it's all about sex or
at least you think it's about sex. It's really just about Cox and
holes as I call it, you know bookstores you had
the the people watching over you.
And so you were always like trying not to look like you were cruising
or whatever. But yeah, I did the bookstores and the alleys in
the back of the bookstores and stuff. I became very
very well known in the bathhouse, I think.
I was there a lot there was
a time when I was there like four days a week, you know,
and basically I guess I would trade sex for it. If you
haven't completely destroyed your body yet and you
have some sort of you know cache with your body you
can get all Christopher you want. Unfortunately, it's kind
of diminishing returns, you know, I discovered after
a while that
that I was thinking lower lower to
get.
To get those drugs. I don't know what came first.
I'll tell you this. I don't know what for me came first. I wasn't
I wasn't a sexual Madman.
Before I mean, you know, I had my share I did stuff.
I was I was in an open relationship. I I
went to sex clubs, you know, but but that was
something that you did every once in
a while.
Um, you know more than you would admit to your friends
probably but you did it, but it wasn't a lot
the crystal just just fueled it it just
gasoline on it.
I think prior to even having this addiction. There's
always been a
Sexual addiction growing Crystal,
I think kind of just opened the door. I've always had, you know,
the feelings of wanting kind of more or
something different and a lot of people would just consider that fantasy my
fantasies turned to reality pretty quickly
because of this drug.
Sex on meth was probably the most amazing thing
I had felt.
You could really focus on doing
one thing with somebody for a long time.
You're just driven so much by Crystal to have sex that is
just like, you know, this is the ultimate.
It took quite a while to to orgasm.
But when you did it was like it was really difficult.
It was like work, but when it actually happened
it was the most intense feeling you'd ever felt. You almost felt
like you're gonna die.
It was very animalistic.
Relentless, it's never ending.
Get high.
You know fine boys get higher find more
boys playing, you know bareback p*** the home game.
I would create it in my head if you ever think that it was
supposed to be.
So that connection has been made that sex on
speed is double the pleasure now and
the Brain remembers that you know, you're chasing
that double high. So you got to do get high first and
then hook up with somebody else who's high and just party the
night away or party the weekend away or party the next week together away.
You're not necessarily having better sex and
I can say that now that I've got some clean time under my belt, but you're just
having a lot of it.
You know, it's a full-time job.
if everyone
could
I think feel that that pleasure that
intense pleasure.
I think more people he having sex.
It just it the guilt Associated.
There's so much guilt associate. It just gets rid
of that.
I don't think badly of myself, but I also realize that I
probably don't turn the next of years
20 year old guys as they turn my neck.
but yet through this underground connection
there there every night every night
and it kind of gives you it gives
you ego a shot, especially
when
a 20 year old guy that comes in with a drop dead gorgeous
body. He's there for no other reason than for you to
enjoy each other.
And let's bring you together as is
this this drug.
But I also know that the day I quit that.
Did this drug if they don't bury me that day?
that I'll never
be in that situation even
do you know anyone who's ever completely 100% honest about
how much they use everyone always tries to minimize the impact.
It's having on their life.
Sketchy. Yeah, it's just this whole add thing
that you have going on where you just can't get out of the house because
you have one more thing to do and then you can't find the phone and
then we're the keys.
then you get in the car and hit something and why
is this happening to me and life is sucks and
Here. Well, it's hard to see
I knew that life was suddenly getting really complicated and
and hard things are really
complicated. Right there's a lot of things that
require things to be done before they can be accomplished. But I don't I
really want to understand though how complicated things are I kid
person too. I don't understand why all this crap happens to me, you know
things kept happening to me. Why are these
things keep happening to you? Well, because you're you you're doing drugs
today, so I got I got robbed I got I
got robbed again. I got my cars getting towed. No person.
I know of it handle this s*** that gets thrown on
me every single day of my life. I didn't want to admit that
I was a drug addict. I can't I can't
handle much more this crap. I can't it's not just it has
it's very little to do with the dope. If you notice this, I mean it's like maybe
that's kind of like somehow a long way but but in reality,
it's like this is just it's just s***. I keep getting s*** on
over and over and over again. I don't know why a house where there
wasn't clothes in the closet there were clothes
on the floor
everything was sticky.
or greasy
there was p**** playing.
No matter what.
No matter if you're having breakfast or vacuuming, there's
p**** plane. The computer is on you are constantly
smoking from the pipe because that's just the
way of life is you just smoke from your pipe all
day you save shooting up for special, you
know for the evening time, you know, I try to save it for
special occasions like night.
the days were about
finding a sex party where there were drugs.
I hope I'm supposed to meet somebody.
I really don't know a lot about him. He's cute.
I guess I he slams. It's fun. I mean it's a
little break from from all this.
Serious non-stop Perpetual crap
that I go through every day and it's
a break in my day. That's what it is making me
crazy.
And then it was really more about the drugs then you would get there to the
sex party.
And you know and they have a cast of characters in the room that were,
you know perfectly serviceable to go have
sex with but then there was the pipe or
there was the needle and pretty and then it was all about that and then you
know, you leave four hours later and realize I don't
think I had sex with anybody. I was there. I think
it was but that was a really good p**** movie. I kind
of get that.
Gay culture
and meth right now is much like the African American culture and
crack, you know you have on
one hand people saying that it's not everyone but on
the other hand, you know.
It's enough that it can only be
swept under the rug.
The method people are here, Mom.
The meth film people are here.
Yeah them too. But the meth film.
documentary people
I'm trying
to eat here. Lady. What do you want? Listen, Todd?
wants to know
and I know the answer is no already but so I want to know if you'd be
interested in coming down here maybe and
I'm getting interviewed with with me and
whatever
I don't want I don't want to round those cap. I don't want
to know about this stuff and she's gonna know about it. She comes out here Pat and I ain't dealing with
it. She ain't gonna know about this. First of all, this ain't happening. Okay, she ain't
gonna know about the s*** cuz it's gonna break her heart and that's not my intention isn't
it's not gonna happen. It's not gonna happen. Trust me. It's not gonna happen.
There's no purpose at all whatsoever none.
at all none
None, all I can do is bad s***, and I'm not having it.
I have tried from the time Andrew.
I actually I don't
know if you even know this we had an argument
one day. I actually threw him out of the house and then reported him as a runaway so
that I could get the state to step in and give him some kind
of Rehabilitation because it isn't available. Any
other way I have I have
some very strong feelings about the interest incarceration
or about anybody's incarceration due to drugs they call
it a correctional facility and I don't know why because they
don't correct anything. There is this is punitive. There
is no Rehabilitation. I was very worried
about him. I was worried about
diseases
obviously
I was worried about rapes. I was worried about beatings, you
know, everything any mother would be
worried about.
And I was just hoping he'd come out the other end.
That this would be the life-altering event that would.
keep him from
using meth
because it destroys people.
really does
but when he came out the offer was there.
Get yourself together get a plan try to
figure out where you want to go what you want to do with your life. It is
your life. It's yours. It's all ahead of you, you know.
You don't have anybody looking over your shoulder now, you know his stepfather
and I are there for him we care about him. I will
and I would and have done just about I have done things for him
that I never thought I would do in my life.
anyway
But one of the things that I did do was was Define
my boundaries.
Is that if when you come out if you
end up back in there, I will not
put money on your books. I will not take phone calls. I will
not come to visit you. It's heartbreaking for me.
so
My major fear is that he would go back to using?
and that he would
Just make mistakes and I
would like to believe in my heart and I and I
do believe that Andrew has been and is recovering. And
you know, I hope I'm not wrong. I really do. I
don't think so.
And I think as he continues to recover he will
get stronger and
All of the good qualities that are there we'll just continue to come
out.
Obviously, I would like to see him healthy.
I would love to see him in a committed relationship. I don't
want to see him alone.
I wanted to be happy.
I would love for him to get a job that fulfills
him.
I don't care what his job is as long
as it's legal.
You know, I don't care what he could be the fat lady the circus. I
don't care.
Just as long as it's something that he's happy doing and he's
not going to get arrested for.
Other than that and I would love for him to be clean.
Kind of what I think every parent wants for all our
kids.
Reestablish his faith.
back to the family
Beyond that nothing just everything that's All
I Want Is Everything.
I feel incredibly guilty about stuff because
I've lied to her.
That's just it's one of those things where
the guilt overrides any kind of
good times. I'm having with this stuff. I mean
It's just it's not it's not right. You know, it's just
not right.
I don't deserve her. I really don't she's an amazing mom. She's really
is and I don't deserve the thing that she's done for me at all. She's paid
my friend for the past six months.
And I haven't even looked for a job. I haven't gone
to look at one time for a job.
and I feel like I feel like
you know, I mean, it's like what the f****** what a piece of s***. I am. That's how
I feel, you know, and she doesn't buy me car.
I remember 16 years old. You know, she buys
me her now.
And she tells me because you know your drug free now.
Wow, she's buying me a condo, too.
I don't hurt her. Yeah, I mean she's so does want me to use and I
and I had the intentions of not using when
I got out and it just fell through it killer.
It's ever any kind of relationship we have.
It's a big motivational factor of why I'm creating also.
Because it's just not worth it to me.
I'm done. I'm not I'm not sort of done. I'm done.
I'm not a hypocrite at all. I'm not and I
bitching people who are all the time. I'm not hypocrite.
I'm done.
HIV and
that whole thing came out in like 1984 or
whatever the gay cancer.
I knew how
you could get this.
Since the Advent of proteas Inhibitors in the fact that quite
honestly people stopped dropping dead and an alarming rate eight
years ago.
I think there's no longer the stigma of HIV.
I think that has been sold to
us in a don't blame the victim mentality. I think
it's also been sold to us by the drug companies. You know,
you have fabulous looking buff guys climbing
rocks making it look like oh, it's just a couple
of pills a day and look at me on fabulous and you know
the whole embracing of youth culture
and now the whole personification of male
Beauty even whole generation of kids coming out
that wax their bodies from the time. They're 16.
I can't see anything good coming out of that.
When I came out people that were living with HIV
were living very healthy, and it wasn't scary
anymore.
But we don't know how long these drugs are gonna work and what happens when they stop
working.
I made it to the age of 25 not knowing anyone
personally who had succumbed to the virus between the
ages of 25 and 30. I had
probably close to 40 friends died.
And I had just I
sort of lived in Mortal fear of it. It was nightmarish and
and crisis.
And a sense of sleepwalking not
believing that this was happening when people started dropping dead
and the early 80s, and I certainly thought that I
was dead meat.
I had every reason to believe that I was the
irony.
Has struck me obviously that
I would survive that.
to stick needles in my arm
you know all people
and and I
try to kill myself drugs.
in the moment you're
You're somehow conscious of your own self-destructive-ness because
you're obviously high and so
there's sort of an embracing of all things dangerous and
all things bad and all things, you know.
wrong and naughty and for boat and
There's a perception that bareback p*** is
hot or p*** and you just want to recreate it and
you're celebrating the Hedonism and the
self-destruction of it. I compromise myself some insemini areas.
I did things that I would
never do on, you know off of Crystal. I never
thought about it. I didn't I just didn't care. I
wasn't gonna do all this Crystal and feel what
I was feeling and and be in a
situation with somebody or you know in a bathhouse
or you know some situation. I thought was just you
know, the the hottest thing in the world, you know, like it wouldn't just
never get any better than this and and then worry about
a condom.
What do I care? You know, what do I
care? I honestly believe in my heart of hearts
that somewhere in me. I knew I was
killing myself anyway.
I knew it.
I really do just didn't have the balls to like blow my brains
out, you know, if I brought up if I
stop someone and ask them to put on a condom that it
cost problem.
Just in the hopes of feeling a glimmer of Love
or affection or connection you do things that
you would never have done before and sometimes you
get In Harm's Way when you do that.
eventually
that whole self-preservation and self-worth just
of course safe sex is most appropriate.
But it doesn't really cross your mind.
so
unfortunately
not to
turn this into a more Povich episode of who my baby daddy, but
I had hooked up with this guy
online. I just broken up with someone that you can see in for a few weeks. This guy's
like I've been after this guy for years and you know,
he's never paid attention to me and now, you know,
we're gonna have sex he was a prostitute. Although he wasn't
a higher prostitute for me. It was somebody that I
had met I proceeded to hook up with this guy. Yeah,
he was a three-minute hero. I mean literally it
was in and out the door in 20 minutes. I love this
guy. f******. He was getting
ready to come and didn't want to she just
loaded me because he was positive and I was negative. He
topped me and all the
sudden he just stopped and whatever and he was like done. I was
like orange gonna come and he's like I already did he kept saying no
and I kept saying yes, and I was pulling up closer and
he was trying to back away from me and
It just happened. The guy pulls out and says.
I need a bumper where I need a line or
something like that. That was like the first time that that had happened and
I was just like
actually said
you are okay, aren't you?
And he's like you're asking me this now.
And he's on the couch and he's got his face in his
hands on the couch and he's like sobbing and he
never really disclosed yes or no, which I
immediately took as I'm f*****. He says there's really something
I need to tell you.
I'm like, okay what you know.
He goes well.
I forgot to tell you that I'm HIV positive.
And he just was like, you know see you later, you know at that
moment. It was a conscious choice for me
to have that that unsafe sexual experience. However,
the next morning I freaked out
he actually said something that sounds so old
wife's tale from like 1860. Oh if
you rinse out I'm sure you'll be fine. I remember
my face got really hot and my stomach got really like sick
and this guy's sitting here with a plate full
of my drugs in front of him, which is really all he
was after to begin with. I don't know. I just Crystal
kind of
Makes things, okay.
And it was just okay. There was a sense of
intimacy in allowing him to to
come inside me. The drug
also started takes a person there took me there. What did
I do? I got him high for another two weeks and
lived with them and continue to have sex with them and just
did enough speed to stay out
of the thought and so from that
point on. I knew it was for the first time gonna
likely not be the result I was prepared for
Six weeks later. I was in an emergency room with a closed.
swollen throat and put on
prednisone and actually told by the ER physician that
I was serial converting the next time I got tested was about
maybe
four or five months after I had quit.
and
and I came up positive and I treated that in essence
as a license to just self-destruct and go,
you know dive into the deep end of
the party and play pool as it were.
You know, I was infected in 82 before Crystal
was around so I can I can remain heartily
innocent of this whole thing and just say
well, you know, I was back when we didn't know any better. Well, we
know better now.
And I was still f****** wrong.
That's that's something I got to live with.
There was this odd sense of relief that I
was.
That that all this time using and
having sex I'm protected sex.
this unknowing am I aren't I
am I are now I'm at a point where I
can't be anything but
so
that anxiety was gone.
and
My life changed. I walked through a door that I can't.
You know go through again.
It's nothing.
Hey, he's never gives me.
He's stepping over
here right now. This is the world's cutest dog.
And he's gonna be mine I think and his name is nothing yet because we don't
happen. He's just before he told you just a little baby.
Little baby, you know polar bear alternative.
Ly look like well, I quit for like
30 something days. You know, I just stay away from
as long as I could and started doing it and
I caved.
Actually, I drank every day almost that I didn't use wonder
I was high in one way or another one form every day.
Oh, I don't know what I was doing. I was doing actually like crazy. I
was doing exactly like mad. I had a whole s*** that actually and I just
I was just popping actually like what's gonna style I don't I'm not
one of those people who believes in just giving up everything and being Stone Cold Sober. That's too
much of a reality.
Shock for me that to handle all that at one time. I can't there's there's
the support systems out there I guess but they're 12
step things and stuff that I'm you know, I I'm not
kind of person who doesn't want to leave one addiction for another or you know, I mean and and
start moving on like that and or sit there and harp about
my addiction for the rest of my life. That's not what I want to do. I've got bigger fish
to fries and just sit there and talk about my old past forever, you
know, and so so I just assumed I'm
angry with it get over it get done with it move on
and and be over it instead of kind of deal with it
every day and go talk about it meetings and hug each other on that kind of stuff like that. It's not
my thing. But why I keep using this just beyond me. It's just I
don't get it. I don't get it at all. If I honestly felt my heart
that it was it was just you know, I'm addicted whatever and that
was the answer, you know, or an alcoholics and alcoholic, you know, and that was
the answer. I'd be more than happy to throw my cards and say yeah, that's what it is, but
it's not the case. I mean, I know when I'm doing it, I know that I should be doing what I'm
doing it. I know that that with the outcomes gonna be and how
I'm gonna feel and all that s*** already ahead of time and I still use to do it. I don't
know why and it pisses me off because I know better.
But just a matter I wouldn't think about it. I mean, I'm
gonna go away and that's what happens.
You can't go on forever like this.
Just can't if you're lucky enough to get blessed to not get infected and
you're being stupid out there and having pretty sex. You're lucky.
You're f****** lucky. I'm so amazingly lucky. I can't even tell you
I mean but if by any stretch of imagination, I should be the one who's positive over
a lot of people that I know because I've been really promiscuous about
a lot of things. I'm not you know, thank God, you
know, and and
I'm lucky that way that's it. It's I think
it's the devil. I mean really do I think it's it's straight evil. There's nothing
good about it. Nothing. Nothing at all is good about it. Nothing you sex
whatever sex is evil. As far as the sex that I'm having. It's equal sex.
So straight evil section just stuff. I would normally just be like, you know,
ever ever whatever dude get the f*** away from me kind of
stuff before you'd be like hmm. You know, it's I don't
know why it does that it has affecting a lot of people and which is
kind of fun and stuff but it's still evil sex. It's nothing. It's nothing. It's not beautiful
and loving and it's f****** hardcore and that's how it is. You know, I mean, that's just
how it is and and so all the beauty and a little you know,
all that stuff that's lovey-dovey is gone. And what's left is
hardcore sex. That's not that's not something that's good and awesome.
Getting you get work done, whatever like that and if you're productive
about s***, yeah, great, whatever, but you look at me other things you let slide as you're
doing that one specific task you're stuck on and it doesn't balance out either.
No, there's nothing good about it at all. Nothing at all. You might
talk yourself into believing so but
Other than the sheer physical act of
being awake for durations of time that you normally wouldn't be awake for it does
nothing at all as far as positive. Nothing at all.
Hello.
There's something
about Crystal that rewires you
that makes you want to go to a
really dark Twisted place. The big
question was always.
Oh gee a party. Oh, you don't what do
you do? Oh, Tina. Oh really? How do you do it?
Yeah.
How you do it?
Ask that question get me a hard eye because the with
the answer you're looking for is well sometimes, you
know.
Slam it.
Yeah.
Twisted sick characteristic of the drug. It is
like being seduced back-end.
led to
the edge of a cliff
and somebody behind you.
saying jump
jump go. He's less
wonderful down there. Doesn't it? Just jump just let the
darkness fill you let you know.
You've gone through the Looking Glass and everything that was normal before becomes abnormal
and everything that was abnormal before becomes far
too normal.
In my mind now can so easily just slide back
in there. You can see my eyes light I mean
You're soaking in it you're soaking in
this desire, you know this open on
a bashed embracing of self-destructive
sexual behavior. So I've
lost about 20 pounds. I feel like I look pretty sickly people
that I use with don't they don't care. It was
almost like the raw drive to actually have sex
and just be nasty. I'd like taking
over.
You know the the more dangerous it was the more fun.
There is no shock left. You've already
had sex with thousands of guys while
on drugs while shooting up while in
huge groups. How how much more is there?
Well, let's see there's violence. There's blood
and guts
so it's a dark places. We can go. Come on
Long.
Dick drugs drugs dick decked out.
My leather regalia dick drugs drugs dick.
And then
when bad isn't good enough, let's be Wicked and
when that's not good enough, let's just be downright people.
It's
it twists you up.
It twists you up.
and
I don't.
Think that I am that person.
but it's taken a while for me to
crawl out
in my head
and and
screw it back on right?
Some men f***** for sport. Oh, there's f*** for food or drugs.
I was f****** for everything God online
found this one guy that I had actually hooked up with before like
a year earlier. Anyway when we got into doing
our thing.
He wanted to do some fantasy kind of roleplay type
stuff. He would talk about Crystal when we were doing it. He'd give
the pipe to me and he'd say, okay, like inhale it and he'd say, can you
feel that going in as evil?
And this is the funny part he would do this noise. He'd go.
But I was like dude you're tripping
cuz he's like and then he
would say say hell Satan. He'll Satan say it
and I'd be like, okay, he'll Satan and he'd
be like praise the Dark Lord. I'm like
what? You know, I mean, like I wasn't really showing that
much like, you know disgust for it, but in inside
I was just like this is ridiculous. Like what
I'm doing to have some Crystal
The need for the crystal outweighed the need for
the muscles or the food or the sleep you go
from.
Being something that you thought was really great and had
it together because I we those
of us, you know, had everything. We
look good on paper.
you know, we look good on paper and
And it just fell apart.
Fell apart. I used to proceed that everything was fine and
that no one could tell I was high. I
just changed managing Brokers. I was involved in
a commission dispute with another agent.
I had been ranked fifth or sixth out of an
office of 90 the year before and so
I thought well I can just Flex my power and my
muscle and never let me go and you
know, lo and behold.
The guy in probably one of his few brilliant moves as
managing broker just said, you know, you're too much trouble. You're
out here.
And that's just like it's time to eat me. I'm like
me
maybe go I was I was using secretly
more than he realized and I
just decided one day that he was you
know to square for me, you know, he didn't do
drugs and I need what I needed was a lover that did
drugs.
And so I broke up with him.
And in a short amount of time found him.
The lover that did drugs it was a chaotic.
To your relationship and then there would be moments of clarity. You're
just a drug addict. Well, you're an a****** in the
words, you know being called a drug addict was being called an a******. It was
just a bad thing. You said to somebody it had no
basis truth. I've walked
out of fully furnished.
Three bedroom apartments. I was driving a old
Mercedes-Benz nice Mercedes-Benz, but
it's all classic and I drove it
to the airport and I left it there and I got on
a plane and I flew to LA and I never went back. I left
the apartment and the car.
And I stayed in my life for two years.
loaded
I've been evicted. My dealer friends been evicted and we're
over visiting this friend of ours so we can like, you
know have a place to crash that night. He's all so being evicted and
rather than any of us having that moment
of
that man before like really f****** needs
to stop.
This was a drug that I had never seen
the likes of before.
I was able to stop cocaine.
I'm you know, ran out of money, you know, I stopped doing it.
I realized this is a bad thing. I probably do this too much I should
stop.
You know, I I got bored with ecstasy.
Kay came and went
she sent me to the hospital.
And then there was crystal.
and
I I was not equipped.
To to battle it to to stop it.
I was something I hadn't
seen.
Felt before and I don't mean felt like a good.
Oh boy. That was great. It was I was
I was imprisoned. I
was a slave to it. Was it
too out of control to work in a corporate job?
Yeah.
Was it too out of control to work in a nightclub? No.
Was a two out of control to live in a bathhouse.
Two out of control to eat Thanksgiving dinner with my parents. Yeah,
it kept me centered. In fact
that I had been holding back on life way
too much. I was a living it. I was just a spectator. This
was my 15 minutes. I was the president of
the incoming Freshman Class of pig University pretty simple get
I get naked get more.
When I wasn't working then I was having sex Bath House
Bookstore park or on the computer the marathon
sex.
Be up for days out of it watching p*** jerking off
automatron f****** run. What was the last time you slept little
bit and I'd be up tweaking out jittery pretty
easy to hide. No one knew.
Sketchy and just slowly saturated drama
craziness. It just took over those off
weird ass answer. Uh, James Garner got a facelift.
Yeah, he's cool. He's maintaining.
Oh good drugs Pharmaceuticals. My
grandmother would be dead. My sister had a baby illness in
the family death of a pet a breakup. Nothing mattered
lost a job. I got to not think about this. My grandfather
died. I took in a bumper with me coping with the whole thing loaded my
boyfriend. I used them Crystal the Leafs zoned
out. Nothing matter. Nothing bad house knowing I
had gonorrhea
Dealing hardened you real fast cynical skeptical
non-trusting cold, edgy didn't
allow myself to come down for months intense emotional
slept a lot eating a lot junk food
cookies little Debbies cry to press
hated life. Nothing.
Could help me. Nobody's your friend
anymore your best friend will steal from you met
him online bottom top him. He
wanted me to come inside. So I did the phones and the
traffic and things getting out of control. Try having sex
with a hot trick when people are pounding on your door, you know.
Hey, can I get a quarter or something like that? You
know, it's blows it ruins everything.
That was life.
and Christian
I hear a lot of people talk about how you know,
though, they've lost their careers and they're now sweeping up spooge in
a bathhouse or you know, maybe taking
occasional p*** shots or or they've become
full-time dealers and they talk about how you know
that they're out of corporate world and their life is so much
less stressful how much happier they are.
And to me that's one of the greatest illusions of b******* you
feed yourself when you're an addict, you know, the entire
world can be collapsing around you and you're suddenly like
Karen f****** Hughes denying that there's a problem.
I now look at my addiction as Karl Rove
trying to pray to God. I'm a swing voter
and is willing to lie to me and say to me whatever it's
gonna take me to use.
And that scares me.
As soon as Darkness hit every evening
this Panic took over. I thought
I had become Adolf Hitler
and that I had been responsible for the killing of six
million Jews.
And I set off poisonous gas to be
released over my community and kill everybody in sight
and there was nothing you could tell me that would make me believe
I wasn't him and I was hiding out peeing
a bottle cut all the circuits because the
little LCD Lighting on the stove VCR
cable box was sending that messages to
satellites and and it became unbearable. I
actually at one point had somebody come
over who I in my head thought was
the devil and I agreed to die six
million times once each night for the next
six million nights to make up for all the
Jews that were killed in Germany.
I started
sleeping in my car. And at first it was kind of
scary, but then it became very Norm to me.
I had kept it from my boss that I that I didn't
have a place to live. He didn't know so he decided to
help me out because he really thought that I was doing a good
job.
And that enabled me even more I was
able to spend all that money on Crystal and
then I had a place to sit in my room by myself and just
smoke all the crystal I wanted and that's when
the paranoia got really really bad. I never
got totally paranoid like like, you know aluminum foil
over the windows. Somebody's watching me stuff. I've seen
it. I've had
somebody convinced that Britney Spears was in the
room.
And it was just us.
It was very real to me.
And it really started feeling like everyone was in
on it except for me. Like
I didn't know it was going on. I thought I had cameras following me
around. I thought I was being broadcast over the Internet or whatever
as you know as entertainment for somebody
but I was completely offended, you know, whether that
was true or not. I mean whether if it was actually,
you know possible and my
mind it was true. I am started
hearing the voices in a very malicious town.
They hated me and I just thought that they had keyed in
to me doing Crystal and so that they were gonna, you know, try to attack me
and whatever chanting that they hated me that they wanted me
dead. They wouldn't let me sleep. I would be crying begging to
sleep constant torture. I was basically In My Own
Prison, but they pretty much followed me everywhere. I went I just
isolated myself more and more. It was just me and crystal
meth. That was it. I invited the attic
in and it took over.
I remember the day standing there.
Filling a bowl with meth get
rid of smoke it in the voice came to head so you're gonna
get addicted to this.
And I said I don't care and that's when I started using every
day. So went from you know you Euphoria
to feeling anger and depression and then just using
day in and day out to the poor. I felt nothing.
I can't do it.
Don't do it.
It's too much for me to handle and
and I don't see it happening. I don't I'm being realistic
about it. Not that I'm quitting and saying giving up the whole idea
of being able to do so. No. I just it's not gonna happen here. I can't
see I'm not that stronger person. I'm not I don't
think anybody is.
I want to hear.
either I'm gonna get
killed or I'm gonna f****** I'm gonna I'm gonna go
to jail or prison and everything's gonna blow up my face and we
did die there alone or or I'm gonna
quit and get my life together.
Most likely of the three is I'll probably
end up in prison again.
You know, or I wanted to Dad.
let me quitting thing in here is just
It's just not that easy to get out of it.
It's got a really tight grip and until you
want to get
rid of it and get it out of your life until you get
to that point.
It's it's gonna be there.
It's it's altered my brain.
A chemical, you know, it's changed the way I think about things.
Can't just hope that that heals itself.
so
Personally, I I can't do it on my
own. I thought I could.
It's it's too strong.
It's wicked.
As I told you I was trying to take a proactive approach
to rehab trying to
cut it off before it. Hit me again.
That's what I was hoping for.
Didn't quite work out that way.
I found out I could go further.
So I lost my job.
I've been using since.
I came out to Palm Springs to get away from Crystal another.
once more you know
Of course, I landed on the tarmac it Palm
Springs Airport with about for a balls in my pocket,
but I came out here to get away from Crystal after I
done what I had on me.
I had been up for a few days something popped into my
head of Voice or something. I was starting
to itch and I thought maybe I had lice. I didn't think
that it was just in my head. I called my boss that morning and said I
can't come into work. I've got lice.
I think I went through three different different brands of lice shampoo.
I sprayed all my furniture. I washed all of
my clothes and hot hot water and ruined most
of them the entire time. I was smoking crystal on high
and didn't ever put the connection together. I thought I was
seeing my head move and then I thought they were nesting in my ears. I
remember sitting in the emergency room Cedar Sinai
and Beverly Hills and one of the nurses turns and
looks at me and she kind of looked at the other nurse and she said is
that guy? Hi,
and that was the first time that I
really knew that I had gone too far
with Crystal that it was time to stop.
I didn't quit to get better. I
didn't quit to avoid using.
I just quit long enough to come up with another plan of how
I could restructure my life so I could fit crystal in there.
I came homeless me ended
up homeless homeless.
I was a f****** Street person. It was
strung out 127 pound Street person
and Palm Springs in the
middle of summer 115 degrees sleeping in
a park.
HIV positive
medicine
that's that's what happened.
That you know, that was the bottom that finally did
it for me. I couldn't take it anymore, you know.
I just it just wasn't fun anymore. I mean, I walk remember walking around
the bar on New Year's
Eve after I shot up and just said, okay. Let's go out and
went out and walked around and it's just like this is not
where I want to be. This is not what I want to do anymore. And when I
hit that vein for the last time I said, this is the last
time I'm gonna do drugs.
No, I don't.
No, I don't. I don't want to cook because I I
enjoy
all the
fun festivities it has to offer.
This is a world that you take what mom and pop in the
church tells us about sex. You can throw out the window and
I like that world. I really do and it's a hard hard world
to leave.
I don't regret it.
Deep down inside. I've got this little voice and I think other
people have to do and you can't shut that little sucker up.
You just can't set them up. No matter what to do. How many drugs you
ingest nothing?
starting to
to raise some objection again.
So do I want to quit? No, I don't but I have
to
I think there's a lot of gay men walking around with a secret.
I think that's the effect that we've got on our that's got on
our community. There's a lot of gay men walking around scared to death that somebody's
going to find out that their whole
life is a lie.
Because they are spending their evenings
high on Tina and they've got a group
of friends that they do it with that. They're hoping other people don't
find out and mean while it's taking bigger and bigger
bites out of their life. I've told people
that I have a problem with Crystal and then the next sentence they
have to me is I can get you some if you want to
the last thing you want to be
around when you're high is someone that's not high and particularly
wanted someone that's not high that used to
get high.
Actually, I was diagnosed HIV positive in this
very building in May of 2001. When I
first moved to Houston and about six months
later. I started working here the bathhouse
developed a job a little bit myself, you know, really learning
about myself learning about the community really I
specialize in talking to those that are using crystal meth.
It is very difficult at first because it was
like this is my job. But yet this is
my life as well. But I've gotten so much stronger through
that once I got involved. It
was like wow. I learned more about myself
every day every day.
My recovery is pretty serious to me
today. It's pretty much the most
important thing in my life.
I'm feeling more self-confident about myself every
day.
I still like to have sex all the time, but it's more special
today and it's more intimate. It's nice. It's
special.
Life's, okay. I can't complain about anything today.
Funny enough. I met my current lover when I was high as
a kite.
We both thought that this may be problem would just go away by
itself. And unfortunately for me, I was way too
far into it. I couldn't do it by myself.
I started by going to an outpatient program.
To stop and it was a three
night a week thing. And I thought well, this is like this be like a class. I just
needed to go to this little class and I'll be fine. So I go to
this little class and then as part of that they say, well you got
to go to a meeting every day.
If there was anything more humiliating than not
dancing on a box that circuit
parties anymore. It was going to be hanging around losers at
AA meetings.
You know.
Well, I've since learned of course that that's
not true and that if we
all survive crystal meth, hopefully that's where
we end up and that is drawing Community from one another and
helping each other out with these problems and and it has
saved my life.
I was petrified just the idea.
Is there even is there even f****** a
life without Crystal? What do you do? I never did
anything without it. Never nothing.
You know if I could do it over again, I'd do
the first part over again, but I I hope that
I could cut it off at a certain point. That's the problem though is that
you can like it you you kind of have to I kind
of had to go through all that stuff.
I kind of had to get to a really really bad point before I
stopped.
The manorexia as I described my so
called sexual sabbatical at times. I
still fantasize about being able to go back and do what I used to
do.
You zoom in on your life?
And you realize the life you built for yourself does not correspond with
the life that feeds your spirit.
And you have to start over.
I had to start over.
I spent the first few months clean. Just just letting it
dawn on me what I had, you know done and all this situations
and all the danger. I'd put myself in. Oh my God the nuts
that I spent time with.
Oh, the paranoid delusional armed nuts.
and ending up so that I could
be shooting up in a bathhouse.
with the door open
f******. f******.
That's that's memories like
that that
just as you're trying to go to sleep at jolts
you up that sort of thing. That's what I remember. Are
those just
Base sort of no. No, that's not sexy.
That's that's pathetic.
Those are the things that just kind of.
I'm so grateful and so f****** happy.
That I'm alive right now.
I can't get lazy about it, you know because it's disease
tells me that that I'm better now.
Better now you're better stuff and you're feeling
good. You're better. Maybe you can just try a little
bit.
Just maybe just a little bit give you
a little extra energy lose a couple pounds.
You know, he'll be alright.
I was brutally Raleigh honest with
you on everything I wrote. I mean amazingly honestly.
Okay, here's the tough part for me. I'm an educated intelligence sophisticated
funny very attractive guy with the world
is my disposal. So why is that? I can't seem to get it.
I watch people around me die watch their lives fall into
pieces watch some push away from all all the people that
they cared about into one day. They woke up and realized that they were all alone and I
look back on it and sadly because I saw I saw it
coming for them really sad part of I can't read this.
At least that part is that and just barely
starting to see where I wanted if I don't change into.
Given 10 years of my life up for this drug.
You're gonna happen which I spent in Mexico security prison.
I lost my house my cars all my friends most of
my family my dog.
That's what respect so if the steam my pride.
This is me off. He's angry as hell. So intense,
I can't tell you.
Never Scared acquitting
and was scared that I would lose it what little I have left and
die here all.
I found out that I have Hepatitis C.
but by the grace of God that HIV
I want to be happy. I want to have a mother.
To quit worrying about herself all time.
I want to meet successful whenever I choose to do like.
I want people to be proud of you for change.
here
no.
No, I don't see anything out of my experience with drug.
Use that has made me a better person.
That has been a gift.
That makes me mad to hear that, you know,
it's like people say to HIV has been a gift to me because it's
made me this and that, you know.
A Mercedes is a gift.
HIV is a plague and so
is crystal meth and I am a
better guy now and I was
when I was using but I would like to think that I would have been a better
guy.
Five or ten years ago and skipped the whole Crystal methane altogether.
so
I refuse to allow.
Crystal
to have bettered me in any
way it didn't it didn't it was
all bad.
It's all been.
It's all bad.
f****** your pain away isn't gonna fix anything.
There's a life afterwards.
Crystal is the last
stop.
For a drug user. This is the end of the road and you
either stop it or you die.
I mean, I really believe that I believe
the term casual math user is going to become like the
check is in the mail or I won't come in your mouth.
Just a really great lie that's being perpetuated by
people that don't want to hold
themselves up to any sort of acceptable standards
of societal Behavior regardless of
your political affiliation. I think if you aren't
scared at what's happened politically in
this country better wake up because if
you don't think this is going to start to become a
tool used to marginalize us even further you're soil
in the stake.
But until we can really start to work on the damaged
self-esteem and the culture
of irresponsibility. It worked.
I think that I think that
the topic is worth a lot of anger. I think
it's worth a lot of anger and grief over what's happening and
what we're doing to ourselves and I don't
blame anybody for being angry and kind
of done with it and done with the rationalizations and
done with. Oh boys will be boys and done
with it's okay. It's just a phase. No,
we need to be done with that. This
is not our legacy to this
generation of gay guys. Like AIDS was
our Legacy is what tweaked up
drug addicts.
Is that the best we can do?
It's taking people from the community. We can't
just give into it.
I'm going to get into that residential program.
And I don't know how long it'll take.
but my intentions are to
go through it until as they say graduate my
life begins again.
So in a sense, hopefully we'll
be at a clean slate.
Clean Slate whose HIV positive
there's lots of opportunities out there. I just
Right now, I'm not sure what they are, but I'm going to figure them out.
Maybe now that I've gotten a year.
I'll get more ambitious again and start creeping
my way back into you know society and
now I have to learn how to
talk to men. I don't want to f***.
And learn what it means to be a friend just you know,
all this stuff, you know, it seems pretty basic. Well, I didn't know.
I was too busy, you know.
doing drugs and
And now I got to figure all that out.
I'm excited about.
Yeah, just excited about.
Being a regular guy.
You know, I don't need to.
Know a spirit regular guy.
here
you
here